Today is a day of mixed emotions for me. My son took his first steps into a college classroom this morning. I sat in traffic, remembering the first day he started kindergarten. He'd been as eager then to tackle new challenges and have new adventures. He never looked back that day, so many years ago. He just told me, "You can go now, Mommy", and ran in, strong and daring. Then I thought even further back, and remembered the tears I shed on the first day I left him at day care. He was just a few months old and he cried when I handed him over to his care-giver. I cried all the way to work, picturing him feeling miserable and lost with out his mommy. Of course I soon learned what most parents learn. He cried until I was out of sight and then settled in happily, distracted by new toys and new friends. And now, 18 years later, he'll probably just roll his eyes if he reads this. And then he'll probably offer to get me some scissors so I can "cut the cord, Mom". He's such a smart ass, and I swear I don't know where he gets it from. At least he embraces that trait of his, even so far as naming his own blog "Serious Snark".
Back to my emotional day, though. I'm proud of my son. He worked hard in high school and was able to earn a scholarship for his college education. I am very grateful for that, since the twists and turns of life over the last year have made it impossible for me to have paid for his college any other way. He was nervous this morning, sure. But he settled that messenger bag over his shoulder and strode off, and never looked back. The message was clear. "You can go now". I've raised him to this point, trying hard to balance the fostering of his independence with my need to protect and nurture him. I can only trust to the Goddess that I got it at least somewhat right.
That little brown-eyed baby boy with the tumble of curls on his head is now a grown man. Tall, strong, intelligent, witty, confident, and compassionate. He knows what he wants out of life. Of course those wants will probably change as the years go by, just as they do with all of us. But for now he's heading boldly in hi chosen direction. As proud as I am, it still stabs at my heart to know he's right. I have to cut the cord. I have to step back and let him be and become who he is supposed to be. I know that I might not always agree with the decisions he makes in his life. But it is his life and they will be his decisions. As long as he knows that I will always be here to support him, applaud him, help him pick up the pieces if necessary, and love him no matter what, then he will be just fine.
And isn't that what a parent should be for their child? A supportive presence always there to lean upon, loving us without judgment or derision. It's the way I see my Goddess, my Mother, in whatever name or face she chooses to show to me. There is no fear of punishment if I make mistakes. There is just that comfort, knowing that even if I fall, there are arms there to catch me, hands to dust me off and set me back on my Path, warm words to encourage me to keep going. I think that's a big thing I found lacking in the religion I was raised in and in so many others that I've studied since. I can't seem to grasp the lure the words "Our Father" have when they represent a vengeful, wrathful deity that must be obeyed and feared lest you burn forever in eternal torment.
My Mother and Father care for their children, no matter what. If we screw up, well, guess what? We get a time out in between lives and get to come back and try it all again. We are encouraged to learn, to question, to seek. Delving deeper and expressing doubts about the status quo are viewed as good thing, not something sacrilegious and harmful.
We, as parents on this plane and planet want our children to mature and grow into the best possible human and spiritual beings possible. The Lord and Lady want the same things for all of their children. I embrace my Path even more when I realize that it's made me a better parent by giving me such good examples to follow.
